Dear Kylie

I keep willing time to slow down.  Everyday you turn into a bigger and better version of yourself.  I swear that just yesterday I put a little bitty baby down for a nap and today I'm trying to convince an almost three year old to slow down for just a couple seconds to grab a bite to eat.  I keep thinking that each stage you go through is the best, but then each time you grow up some, I find myself loving you even more. 

You are able to occupy yourself more and more.  Your favorite thing to do as of now is take all of your clothes out of your dresser and put them on the coffee table and couches.  You arrange each article of clothing just so and then you keep rearranging them.  Sometimes for even for an hour or so. 

Kylie Bug, you are finally making friends with the dogs, Nova in particular.  She is the only chihuahua allowed to sleep in your room with you and she is graced with kisses and hugs from you.  The other day you even shared your mango popsicle with her while sitting outside on the grass in the hot sun.

A couple weekend ago your daddy bought me a new pair earring and you were immediately smitten with them.  You were so heartbroken that you couldn't wear them and in a few short days you convinced your daddy to let you get your ears pierced so you could have earring like me.  Ky, you were so brave sitting in that tall chair all by yourself in Claire's, holding your pig, Yellow.  You chose a pair of sparkly pink hearts to adorn your little ears.  You held your daddy's hands when the girls pierced your ears, and you were so brave, Bug, only crying for a little bit afterwards.  More from the surprise of it than anything, I think.

At daycare you are known as Little Miss Sassafrass.  And Kylie, you come by that name quite honestly, let me assure you.  You sure are full of life and spunk and energy, and it's very noticeable to the people who spend their days with you.  You're extremely loyal to your friends, on the playground the other day, I dared tell one of your friends to go down the slide the correct way, and you rounded on me to "Leave my Kailyn alone, mama!" 

You choose kids that are just as spirited and wild as you to be your friends.  At daycare it is Kailyn, the rough and tumble little girl with four older brothers, and Riley a sweet but mischievous little boy.  You have become fast friends with our neighbors' daughter, Aubrey, despite a two year age difference.  You two love bouncing on her trampoline and swinging each other on our tree swing.

I love you more and more with each passing day, Bug.  I can't even begin to imagine life without you.  You bring so much joy and excitement (and I admit, a little frustration) to your daddy and mines days and we love you with our whole beings and then some.

Love you bunches and bunches,

Mama

Kylie Says

This past Saturday night I was putting Kylie to bed and before our prayer I always ask what she is thankful for, and this is what she said.

"I thankful for my daddy. I thankful for my earrings.  I thankful for cupcakes.  And donuts!"

Poor ol' me didn't even make the list.  Daddy always rates a number one spot on the thankful list.  I'll have to ask him his secret...

Kylie Says

A conversation between Rex and Kylie the other week.

Kylie "Daddy, I have pink pig."

Rex "Oh, you do? What's his name?"

Kylie "Yellow."

Rex "You have a pink pig named Yellow?"

Kylie "Yep."

Rex "Where is he?"

Kylie "At Auntie Step's.  He poops outside."


So yes, my kid now has an imaginary pet pig named Yellow.  Thank goodness he poops outside. 

Growing Up (A Little Late)

This is really hard for me.  I've kept this buried deep for a long time, and that I rarely share with anyone.  I never finished college.  I never even came close to it.  In my family where everyone is a college graduate for three generations on back, this makes me the black sheep. 

Oh, I was right on track for college and everything.  I graduated top ten in my high school class of over 600 with a GPA of 4.3.  I took Advanced Placement courses and passed their tests with fours and fives.  I was 5 points away from getting a perfect score on the English portion of the SATs.  I was was offered admission to several state schools such as California Polytechnic University and Texas A&M, and also to several small private schools back East where I was even offered large scholarships.  Everything was on track.  I decided to attend Cal Poly so I could still live at home and registered for courses in the fall.

And then I burned out big time.  Started off fine and then slowly just stopped attending my classes.  I had met my husband over the summer and for once in my life I felt wild and free.  I had been the perfect child for so long, always concentrating  on school and my horses.  I had never dating in high school, never even kissed a boy.  It was my first romance and I was caught up in it.

I don't blame Rex for it at all though.  He always encouraged me to go to school.  Hell, half the time he would drive me an hour to school for my classes.  But I wouldn't go.  I'd go to the library or student center and sit and read.  And then Rex would pick me up and I'd say that class was great.

I only went to Cal Poly for one semester and then dropped out.  Later that year I enrolled in a community college, but then did the same thing.  A year or so later, I tried a different community college and did it again.  And finally just stopped trying.  Rex and I were expecting Kylie and we were both working to make sure we had enough money for a baby.  And then I'd always say I'd go back to school after Kylie was born but then it still never happened.  Kids are expensive, life is expensive.  The economy was crummy.  Both of us needed to work.

I still feel the shame washing over me just as strong now as it did way back then.  How could I be so stupid?  I feel so inadequate now.  Rex is the main provider for our family.  And here I am, almost twenty-six years old, and I make minimum wage.  And the only reason that it's actually feasible for me to be working for so little is that Kylie's day care is only $5 a day since I work there too.

I'm sick and tired of watching my husband work tirelessly to support us.  I hate living paycheck to paycheck sometimes.  I want to stop sitting on the sidelines of my own life and actually do something.  But I've gotten so out of touch with myself that I don't even know what I want to do anymore.  In high school I was dead set on agricultural business.  Then I leaned towards being a teacher.  Then a nurse.  But now I don't know. 

So I finally put my big girl panties on and called and set up an appointment with a college counselor.  To help me figure out where I want to go and how to get there in a timely manner.  I want my daughter to look at me and be proud of me.  Hell, I want to be proud of me for once.  I'm not trying to be all pity party and woe is me.  I'm hoping by putting this out here, that it will help keep me on track and accountable to myself.  And I'm going to need all the help I can get.