Growing Up (A Little Late)

This is really hard for me.  I've kept this buried deep for a long time, and that I rarely share with anyone.  I never finished college.  I never even came close to it.  In my family where everyone is a college graduate for three generations on back, this makes me the black sheep. 

Oh, I was right on track for college and everything.  I graduated top ten in my high school class of over 600 with a GPA of 4.3.  I took Advanced Placement courses and passed their tests with fours and fives.  I was 5 points away from getting a perfect score on the English portion of the SATs.  I was was offered admission to several state schools such as California Polytechnic University and Texas A&M, and also to several small private schools back East where I was even offered large scholarships.  Everything was on track.  I decided to attend Cal Poly so I could still live at home and registered for courses in the fall.

And then I burned out big time.  Started off fine and then slowly just stopped attending my classes.  I had met my husband over the summer and for once in my life I felt wild and free.  I had been the perfect child for so long, always concentrating  on school and my horses.  I had never dating in high school, never even kissed a boy.  It was my first romance and I was caught up in it.

I don't blame Rex for it at all though.  He always encouraged me to go to school.  Hell, half the time he would drive me an hour to school for my classes.  But I wouldn't go.  I'd go to the library or student center and sit and read.  And then Rex would pick me up and I'd say that class was great.

I only went to Cal Poly for one semester and then dropped out.  Later that year I enrolled in a community college, but then did the same thing.  A year or so later, I tried a different community college and did it again.  And finally just stopped trying.  Rex and I were expecting Kylie and we were both working to make sure we had enough money for a baby.  And then I'd always say I'd go back to school after Kylie was born but then it still never happened.  Kids are expensive, life is expensive.  The economy was crummy.  Both of us needed to work.

I still feel the shame washing over me just as strong now as it did way back then.  How could I be so stupid?  I feel so inadequate now.  Rex is the main provider for our family.  And here I am, almost twenty-six years old, and I make minimum wage.  And the only reason that it's actually feasible for me to be working for so little is that Kylie's day care is only $5 a day since I work there too.

I'm sick and tired of watching my husband work tirelessly to support us.  I hate living paycheck to paycheck sometimes.  I want to stop sitting on the sidelines of my own life and actually do something.  But I've gotten so out of touch with myself that I don't even know what I want to do anymore.  In high school I was dead set on agricultural business.  Then I leaned towards being a teacher.  Then a nurse.  But now I don't know. 

So I finally put my big girl panties on and called and set up an appointment with a college counselor.  To help me figure out where I want to go and how to get there in a timely manner.  I want my daughter to look at me and be proud of me.  Hell, I want to be proud of me for once.  I'm not trying to be all pity party and woe is me.  I'm hoping by putting this out here, that it will help keep me on track and accountable to myself.  And I'm going to need all the help I can get.