Wednesday, February 29, 2012
A Little Insecurity on My Part
I've never been huge on appearance. Through middle school and high school I was strictly a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal. Hell, I didn't even start wearing make up until my senior year of high school and I only wore foundation because of how self conscious I was of my shiny, red, acne prone face. I rarely had my hair out of a ponytail, and I didn't highlight my hair until right before senior prom.
I wear make up more now and all, but I feel like I got such a late start on things. I'm not very good at applying it and I don't know. I never feel, done. Polished. Put together. I want to feel like that. Pinterest is helping me with ideas on make up, clothes, and hair. I love looking through things, but I have such a hard time actually applying it to myself. Whether it be wearing a new dress or winged eyeliner, I just kinda feel left out. Like I did in high school. I wanted to be a part of the popular crowd, but I never had the clothes or attitude to fit in. I didn't know how, and sure didn't have the confidence to try.
I have a hard time seeing myself as beautiful. My mama says I am, but doesn't every mom think their daughter is beautiful? It makes me a little better when my husband tells me that, since he chose me to be his wife and the mother of his child. But I'm still insecure. And I don't want to be. I don't want Kylie to be either when she grows up. I want to be a strong, confident, beautiful woman that she can look up to.
I feel guilty if I spend any money on beauty products or new clothes. Like that could have gone to a bill or into savings. While I know spending $30 or $40 once a month on a new shirt or foundation won't break the bank, I have a hard time justifying it. Like am I really worth this or am I just wasting my time? I'm never going to look like those mom's who pick up their kids from the daycare in cute outfits every single day with hair, make up, and nails done. Who am I kidding?
But I want to be. So very badly. I want to be the mom who is still pretty and whose foundation hasn't worn off by one in the afternoon and wears cute blouses instead of plain v neck t-shirts every single day. Who straightens their hair. Has nail polish that isn't chipped most of the way off. I want to feel pretty and comfortable with myself. I know that it can be done, but it just seems like such an unattainable goal. So far away, out of my grasp.