Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sometimes I Want to Scream

I've always been a fairly patient person.  Sometimes too patient if you talk to Rex.  I just go along with the flow and try not to make waves.  That's why I probably married Rex, he is definitely a wave maker and stands up for me when I won't.  I've always handled stress well too.  I wouldn't freak out or anything, I'd just think of ways to make stuff easier.  And if I didn't get everything done, then so be it.

That's the opposite of me now.  I'm frazzled, disoriented, and pulling my hair out crazy.  I knew having a kid was going to change a lot of things, I just didn't know how much.  It's incredibly stressful, having this little person be completely dependent on you.  All.  Of.  The.  Time.  No breaks, no sending her back to mom and dad, because we are her mom and dad.  Nights where she can't fall asleep and I've already been up for 20 hours straight.  Days where she doesn't want to nap and is cranky and irritable all day.  Times when she is sick and her nose is so stuffed up and she can't eat very well and screams during feedings.  When I've worked a ten hour shift at work and then come home to a dirty house, dirty laundry, dirty bottles, a tired husband who also worked 10+ hours, and a baby who is dependent on me to feed her, change her, bathe her, play with her.  When I feel like sleeping for three days straight but have to get dinner on the table, work clothes washed for the next day, bottles made, diaper bag packed, shower, and then try to stay awake for a husband who would like to have sex every once in a while. 

Sometimes I don't know if I can handle it all.  There are days where I just completely break down and cry.  Then I feel so guilty because what kind of mom sometimes resents her child?  What kind of mom wishes she sometimes never had a kid?  And in my heart I know I'm not a bad mom at all.  I love Kylie more than anything in this world, I love everything about her.  She is so perfect and pure and everything that I want to be.  I wish I could see the world through her eyes, full of wonder and excitement. 

I want to be the person I used to be.  The one that could handle everything and anything.  The one that didn't have a heart attack when everything little went wrong.  The one who loved living and the world around her.  I'm going to find her again.  It might take a while, but I will.

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